Some people think I’m weird. Some people pass judgment on me, and others laugh and talk about me. It used to bother me, but now it doesn’t. When someone assumes things about me it shows me their mind is so closed that they are not willing to learn something new. When people talk about me or pass judgment on me it shows me I’m quite interesting to the person because they are taking the time to observe me. My only advice is, before you judge or assume, get to know me enough to ask questions. If a person does take the time to enter my world I will teach them things they never thought of because I have the ability to think outside the box.
There was a time I had a desire to be “normal.” I had people telling me to watch what I did and said in fear of what others might think or say about me, and I had people who criticized me because of my differences and people who compared me to others and pointed out what they thought I wasn’t doing right. After having people question me about why I can’t do things like a “normal” person or why I can’t like things like “normal” people my age, I couldn’t help but think that the term “normal” meant a non-autistic person or a disability or disorder-free person.
I spent a great deal of my life not knowing how to live. I was confused and didn’t know what to do so I became a follower. I tried to live my life like the majority of society, but I failed miserably because it was hard for me to pretend to be someone I was not. I felt a great deal of sadness, frustration, anger, anxiety, fear and pain. I felt inferior to most people and believed I was a bad person because I was different.
Then I reached a breaking point.
I realized if I wanted to live a happy and productive life, I had to make changes in my life. First, I had to accept I was different from most people and understand that a lot of people might have a problem with my differences and that is OK. Second, I had to learn I had the power to decide who I let in my life. If someone caused me stress, discomfort and wasn’t supportive of me, it was OK to not allow them in my life or walk away from them. Third, I had to learn how to be strong. I had to stand my ground and not give in when people try to change me into who they wanted me to be or who they thought I should be.
I had to learn who I was as a person and not who society or those around me wanted me to be. When I was diagnosed with Pervasive Developmental Disorder, I learned all I could about it so I could better understand myself. For years I wondered why I never developed sexual feelings for males or females. Through research I found out I was androgynous (having both masculine and feminine characteristics). I accepted these things about myself, and now I expect the people who I allow in my life to accept these things about me too.
I don’t always act my age, and at other times I may appear too professional or serious. I have a more masculine appearance, and sometimes people have a problem with this. I’ve had a lot of people who tried to get me to explore my feminine side more. At one point in my life I would allow people to temporarily change me into the feminine person they wanted me to be. I would feel so much discomfort, but I didn’t know how to tell them how miserable I felt. Now if someone tries to change me into who they want me to be, I wouldn’t do it, and if they insist too much I would just walk away or kick them out of my life. Now I feel if a person can’t accept me as I am or respect my decisions and choices, then that person doesn’t have a place in my life.
I have dreams and goals of being an entrepreneur. Some people tell me I can’t succeed at being an entrepreneur because I have a disability and I am healing from years of abuse. Years ago I would have believed this, but now I don’t.